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name: deniSe shantelocation: VA streetZ came out: 08.16.88 sexX: sure..why nOt freakin: femalez hOldin my heart: Nicki...love u baybee aim: xraynbo amOre
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Saturday, April 09, 2005
Been gone for aWHILE...

   Whus good. I know i haven't even been on here since November, but so much shit has happened. Too much to tell, so i'll get to that on my next entry. But for now, i wanna share my Lesbian Sex Story entitled Temptation. Its the first story I've ever written...so bare wit me. Hope you enjoy.....


“Ay, Roxie Baby, give me another shot of that tequila, please sweetheart. I think Ima need it to get me through the rest of the night on some real shit” I said laughing, sitting at the bar.

Roxie leaned towards me from behind the bar with the shot glass in hand, staring at me as if she were about to begin undressing me with her eyes. Moving even closer, she got to my ear. I could feel her warm breath as she exhaled and slid her tongue in my ear, biting my earlobe. She sat the glass down slowly, seductively.

I had forgotten where I was. I hated it when she left me speechless like this. Seconds had passed, but I finally found words to say.

“You know what happens when you do shit like that..” I was almost screaming from trying to compete with the loud music.

“Tell me what happens, Remy. Are you gonna spank me? Ooh…maybe you’ll bend me over and fuck me until I cum ten times, in ten different ways.” she said, letting out a flirtatious laugh and having the nerve to lick her luscious lips.

“Maybe I will. But when and if I do, be prepared to cum twenty times instead of ten. You’ve seriously got the game fucked up. Now, miss, get back to work before I end up hurting you in ways you wouldn’t even think about.”

She raised her eyebrow as if she were surprised with the response she received. She knew me and how I was, and exactly what I was about. Business.

I couldn’t help but to remember the late nights Roxie and I did have. The memories started flashing before me. I started biting on my lip, trying not to remember but I couldn’t help myself.

*It was late one Friday night. We were all closing down the club. I was tired, worn out. Ready to get my ass back home. I walked into our bathrooms just to make sure everything was cleaned up and in its original place. I looked under the stalls to see if anyone was still in there. That’s when I saw the black stilettos moving around, like someone was having a little trouble.

“You alright in there?” I was a little curious as to who it might be and what they were doing.

“Yeah…yeah. I’m fine Remy. Just give me a minute would you?”

Right then, I knew it was Roxie. I smiled without even answering her question.

She walked out, looking a little embarrassed with my being there. Her red top split in the middle, showing her perfect breasts. Her brown legs were oiled down without a scar in sight, while they shared the beauty with a black mini skirt that had splits on both sides. I was leaning up against the counter where the sinks were lined up. Watching her decide which one of the five she was going to choose.

“Excuse me.” she said it in the most innocent voice I’ve ever heard come from her.

I stared back into her dreamy eyes with my eyebrow raised. I guess she figured I wasn’t going to move and she reached around my waist to turn on the faucet.

Her chest was against mine and I could feel her breath against the side of my neck. I placed my hand on her right shoulder, slowly moving it down her entire arm until my hand touched hers. Her warm lips pressed up against my neck. I could feel her tongue easing out, as my eyes rolled back in to my head. I wanted her.

Without thinking twice, I grabbed her ass, lifting her up. Turning her around and sat her on the counter. We were kissing then. It started off as slow and innocent, but seconds later we were kissing like we’ve never kissed before.

I was rushing to get her skirt unzipped in the back, when she moved my hands and lifted the skirt above her waist, spreading her legs and sucking on my lips.

“Fuck me, Remy.”

I let out a moan when she said those words to me and slid my fingers in her pussy. She was so damn wet. I was moving in and out of her pussy and her moans echoed in the bathroom.

“Faster…Mmmmmmmmph….I…..I’ve always wanted you….don’t stop…don’t….stoppppppp.”

My heartbeat was speeding and I could feel my wetness drip down on the side of my leg.

“Oohhhhhhh SHIT! I’m about to cum….Mmmmmmmm….Remy….”

The moans went on, they got louder and louder until her body reached its climax. Short breaths came out of her mouth and her legs were shaking. I stood there with my fingers still in her pussy. Her legs around my waist. My face in her breasts.*

Memories. I bucked down the shot of tequila and felt the sensational burn ease down the back of my throat. As bad as it felt, the wanted effect came after the burn. Something I had been waiting to feel ever since I opened the club doors.

Turning around on the stool, I felt myself getting dizzy. DAMN! This shit is really getting to me!

I was swallowing down the stress of life and love, all in one. See, it was yet another Friday night at In Between. I was the owner of this lesbian club. It had turned out to be everything I expected, but far beyond the amount of time and work I thought needed to be put into it. I loved the job and I loved the ladies, and what fine ladies I had the opportunity to see. My spot stayed packed and full of some of the most sexy, unforgettable, and so-very-tempting Lesbians, I have ever seen.

The lights hit the stage and the Dj began to announce the next dancer.

“Now, I know why yall are in here. This is what EVERY lesbian in this bitch has been waiting for. You’re about to witness the sexiest woman to walk across this stage. Get out those bills, and get ready to throw those dollas. Its Tasty yall!!!!!”

The whole club was turning heads and rushing to get to Tasty first. “Whisper In Ya Ear” came on by the Ying Yang Twins, and out came the one and only, Tasty.

This chick was fine. Not just your ordinary fine, but that fine that makes your pussy vibrate just from staring too damn hard type of fine! She was about 5’7, maybe 135lbs. Thick thighs, dark caramel complexion that made you want to lick every bit of her body, and long, black and honey hair that was hers. She was definitely, my all time favorite.

I was sitting at the bar stool, leaned back with a pretty good view of Tasty. Then again, any view was a damn good one to see. I watched as she touched her toes and shook that ass, like she was saying “Give it to me”. Givin’ it to her is just what I wanted, and if she knew what was good for her, she would be craving my tongue slurping and sucking on her pussy right now.

Her body bounced to the music while she removed each piece of her clothing. By the way her face was turned, you would think she was looking directly at me. As her fingers unbuttoned her cuffed top, exposing her breasts, I imagined those hands being mine. I felt my pussy tingle as I rubbed my thighs together, trying my best not to slip a finger to taste. Next, she was unzipping her tight, short skirt. Just as I thought….no panties. That made it even better. I could taste her pussy juices on my tongue. So sweet. Each lick was better than the last.

I sat up in my seat because I could feel my panties getting extremely wet. I wanted to fuck right then and there with no interruptions. I wanted Tasty on my lap with those flawless legs tightly rapped around my waist, sticking her nails in my back, while she rode my strap fast and hard like never, ever before.

An uneasy feeling came over me when I spotted her girlfriend pulling out a chair to take a seat. Her name was Jay and from what I hear, she and Tasty didn’t have that good of a relationship. I guess you could say I was jealous. Okay, very jealous. But only because I knew that I could give Tasty whatever it was that she wanted. Not just material things, but true love. Not many people can say that they’re able to give that and honestly mean it.

I wasn’t worried about Jay or whoever else was involved for that matter. My only focus was Tasty and I was willing to do anything. Anything, to get her. I was determined to get her back at my place tonight, even if it was the very last thing I did.

**********

 

“Make sure all the doors are locked Dee. I’m tryna get out of here quick. C’mon get your ass up. You too Chelle. Let’s hurry it up, damn!” I was beginning to get real frustrated. They were sitting on their asses carrying on a conversation like there was nothing to do around here. Chairs were fucked up. Tables not clean. And even the bathro-

“So, did you like my dance tonight?” her voice came out as a soft whisper as if she were an angel telling me it was my time to come home.

“Yes, actually I did. I liked it, uhh, very well Tasty.” My eyes went from hers, down to her breasts until I realized I was scanning her whole body and licking my lips. Lost with words and in my own world, I fantasized about she and I making love. Feeling her sweat drip on my body. Hearing her moans and hard breathing.

“Remy…?” she tilted her head to the side with this confused facial expression. I guess she was trying to figure out what exactly I was thinking about that damn hard.

“I’m…I’m sorry. I’m just tired that’s all. It’s pretty late. Where’s your ride?”

Her eyes filled with frustration. Her hands moved with every word that came out of her mouth.

“I don’t know where the hell she is. She was suppose to be here thirty minutes ago. She’s always doing this shit…”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll drive you”

“No…no. You shouldn’t have to do that. I can just catch a cab or something. The subway is only right down the blo-”

I softly placed my index finger on her lips, shaking my head, and perking out my lips. “Shhhhhhhh. I told you, don’t worry about it. It’s not a problem. I have to go that way anyway.” I removed my finger.

Her lips spread and formed into this beautiful smile. She smiled as if she hadn’t done it in a while. It was the first time I had actually noticed her dimples. Sexy.

 

**********

 

“It’s the next house on the right.” she was looking out of my car window. I guess trying to see if her girlfriend was home. She wasn’t.

I pulled the car in front of her house and put in in park.

“Well, I guess this is it.” I looked over at her sitting in the passenger seat. She was still staring out the window like something was wrong.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes. I’m fine….thank you for bringing me out here this late. I really appreciate it. Means a lot to me.”

“Like I said, it’s not a problem. Anytime you need me, all you have to do is call.”

“Thank you.” she smiled again and got out of the car. “Have a goodnight. I’ll see you tomorrow.” The door shut and I waited until she was inside until I pulled off. She waved out of her front window, that was my signal.

I started down Lake Avenue and saw the police lights ahead of me. Nooo….not again. Not tonight. The whole road was full of cars. People blowing their horns. Yelling out of their car windows.

Hell, I thought, I might as well chill. I cut on my radio, and whatta ya know. “Whisper In Ya Ear” was on. I laid back in my seat and closed my eyes. I was so tired.

When my cellphone rang, I jumped because it scared me. I ruffled around in my purse trying to find it. There it is. I didn’t recognize the number, but I answered it anyway.

“Yeah?”

It was dead silence.

“Who the fuck is this?”

Still silence.

“Look, bitch, whoever you are. Don’t keep callin my got damn phone like--”

“It’s Tasty. I didn’t mean to bother you. It’s just that….,” she exhaled “I want you to come back. I’m here alone and I’m sure Jay won’t be back anytime soon. My pussy’s wet. Don’t leave me here thinking about you all night.”

She hung up.

I sat there looking at my phone. Trying to make sure she wasn’t playing any sick joke and have me caught up with her girl there when I pulled up.

I started up my car, made a U-turn, and drove back to her place.

 

**********

 

I got up to her doorstep and there was a note on the door: For some odd reason, I knew you’d come. Come inside, walk up the stairs. I’ll be out in a minute.

I laughed after reading it. This girl must be running some game. I folded up the note and stuck it inside on my back jean pocket, and walked inside.

Her house was nicely laid out. Big screen T.V., leather furniture, fur rugs. Dancing really paid off.

I started walking up the spiral stair case, when I heard the music playing in one of the rooms. That room must have been hers. I followed the music with my ears and eased the bedroom door open. Another door was in that room. Must be the bathroom, I thought. The water was running and then stopped. I sat down on the bed and laid back with my heads behind my head. The ceiling had a opening where u could see the sky. The stars shone. It was beautiful.

“Glad to see you made your way back safely.” she came out of the bathroom with a pink, silk robe on. Her hair was wet from the shower she had taken before I actually got here.

“I’m here. Exactly where u want me to be.”

She walked to the edge on the bed. Each leg landing perfectly, her hips swaying as if she were a runway model. She stopped in between my legs where I was laying and started untying her robe. I stared, licking my lips. Wondering what she was going to do next.

She turned around and the robe fell to the floor without making a noise. I could see the crease in her back that was a trail to the crack of her ass. Her ass. It was shaped perfectly.

I sat up and pressed my lips against the lower part of her back, right above her ass. My kisses moved up her spine until I was standing. I moved her long hair to the side and continued kissing the back of her neck. She let out soft moans, letting me know she was liking every bit of it. She turned around and put her arms around my neck, forcing her tongue in my mouth. Her tongue was so sweet, so warm, so….tasty.

I started to take my belt off and undo my jeans, when she pushed me in my chest. I fell back onto the bed. Her hands started to pull off my jeans. She put her teeth on the right side of my g-string and pulled it down my thigh. She did the same thing to the other side, and started to take off my shirt. Her hands reached around me and unhooked my bra. She threw it across the room.

We were both completely naked. She was licking my belly button, moving down to my inner thighs. Getting closer and closer to my pussy. I enjoyed being teased. My back rose when her warm tongue touched my clit. It’s been too damn long. Each stroke of her tongue made me let out this moan. Her eyes were staring at me. I was throwing my pussy in her face. It felt so damn good….I was ready to release everything I had inside. Her tongue increased its speed and she was hitting my spot.

“Mmmm…….right….there”

I put my hands on her head, giving her direction. My moans were beginning to get loud. I….I was about…to have…and orgasm…in her girlfriends…..bed. The thought turned me on even more. It drove me. She had her hands under my ass, pulling me towards her face. The touches of her tongue were becoming harder.

The next thing I know, I was screaming her name. Telling her I was about to cum. Not to stop. I reached that point. That point where all of my insides rushed to get out. I was speechless. I couldn’t move. My legs were shaking so bad that I had to hold on to them. She was still sucking on my pussy, this time slower….softer. I pulled away slightly because it was starting to get sensitive.

She got up from between my legs and licked around the sides of her mouth. She winked at me, threw me a towel, and went back into the bathroom.

I grabbed the towel and started wiping off all the wetness on my thighs. I moaned when I touched my pussy with the towel. Her tongue had really done something to me.

She came back out with something in her hand. I couldn’t see it at first because all of the lights were out. When she got closer to me, I realized she had a strap.

Walking up to me, about an inch away from my lips, she said “I want you to fuck me.” she kissed me and slid her tongue in my mouth, then quickly pulled away.

I was putting on the strap when she crawled onto the bed, moving like a cat.

“Mmmm……you taste so good. Come give it to me like you’ve always wanted to.” she bent over, ass up, and spread her legs. Her hair fell in her face. I could see her pussy from the back. That turned me on.

I slid the strap into her pussy without a problem, so I knew she had to be wet. I heard her exhale. My hands rested on her waist. Each motion making her whole body move back…and forth. As I was fucking her, I inched my hands up and down her back, breathing heavily. Pressing up against her inner walls. She put her face down in the pillow and put both of her hands on her ass, spreading her cheeks.

I felt this rush take over me when she did that. I slid out and turned her over on her back. Her eyes spoke to me without her mouth ever having to say a word. I got back inside of her, pulling her by her thighs so I could get a better position. Leaning forward, I started sucking on her breasts. Biting her soft nipples and fucking her so hard, that each moan of hers sounded like a vibration. The penetration she was receiving was moving up against my clit. Every time I pushed inside of her, I was minutes away from having an orgasm myself.

She grabbed my breasts, her body bouncing on the sheets. Her hands moved down my chest. I was sweating. So was she. I could see her body glistening in the light from the ceiling. I sped up the pace and she let out this loud, electrifying moan. Her body was shaking. She tried to say something, but it wouldn’t come out. I knew she was about to have an orgasm. Her legs tightened around my waist. Her back rose. Screaming and moaning my name. I felt her legs loosen up from around me. I slowly pulled out of her and ran my finger across the strap. Her mouth opened and my finger went in. Covered with her own juices. She sucked on my finger like she was sucking on a dick.

 

**********

 

 

I was having this weird dream. I was some place cold. All of a sudden ice water splashed on my face. I was about to open my eyes, but the light made them too sensitive. I felt the ice water again.

What the FUCK are you doing in my house?”

It was Jay. She was standing beside the bed with an empty glass cup. I could tell she was angry by the look in her eyes. Like she was ready to kill.

I still didn’t answer her. I looked down and the covers were off me and thrown on the floor. I was wondering why Tasty hadn’t said anything yet.

Turning over, the other side of the bed was empty. She wasn’t even in the house.

THE END....for now

 


Posted at 06:15 pm by xpliCit-lineZ
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Tuesday, November 02, 2004
im sO self-conscious

     Right now, life is confusing. I'm tired of asking myself "why?" like i'll get an answer to everything. I guess the only way to handle situations is to live it through...but livin isnt exactly the best for me. I'm not even sure if livin is what i wanna do.
     Some people think I have a lot to offer the world. A lot to share with the ones surrounding me. But if you ask me, there is nothing I have to offer that no one can offer themselves. So where is the confidence? the...self-love? I'm wondering the same...damn...thing. My life is stressful and maybe its me thats making it thatta way. Instead of turning the negatives to positives and overlooking the bad, i dwell on the worse of everything. I'm gettin sick of it. I'm gettin sick of myself.
     Every month, atleast once, I get some money or whatevah and just go chill out at the mall. Just to do something for myself and spend some "me time" ya kno. So i head into this store called Maurices becuz its this two piece set that i've been wanting. I buy it...you know...not even thinking about trying it on to see if I actually look good in it. Well, i get home...i try it on and im so disappointed. im not happy with how it looks...on ME. Maybe because i dont like my body as it is, but me buying it was suppose to atleast do some "boosting up" on my fuckin insecurity. Well, THAT didn't work. Instead, now i feel like shit and im ready to take it back. I'll probably do that this weekend.
     I have my own issues and my image is one of them. -sigh- I'm goin to sleep....

Posted at 09:31 pm by xpliCit-lineZ
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Monday, September 20, 2004
let it go...

Lets get updated on some things here. Last week i received a phone call from my first ex telling me that my last ex had gotten into a car accident and was in the hospital. it didnt exactly hit me until i sat there and thought about me. right then i was so damn scared. worried that i could be losing someone that means somethin to me & is still in my heart. i cried that day....and that night. i really didnt wanna talk to anyone. i just wanted to sleep because i was afraid of the news that could be brought to me, but fortunately everything turned out ok and she got out the same night.

What surprised me most is that the next day, after this whole situation, she called me and told me that she could no longer speak to me because it was messing up her relationship. i didnt understand any of this because we dont even talk on a daily basis and when we do, its not for very long because she gets off the phone often when she goes to her girls  or she doesnt answer...or her phone is jus cut off. basically in a controllin relationshio...but anyway. i was seriously hurt by this because its the last thing i expected. especially after i had to goto school worrying about her, wonderin if she was gonna be alright. just ready to break down at any moment in tears. i just didnt understand....i didnt do anything wrong to her and she cuts me off that night, stops calling but continues to speak to everyone else as if im the main cause. that shit ain right fahreal. that just causes me to have too many thoughts and mixed emotions about this. like what is it that i have done to be singled out amoung everyone else? and why the hell am i bein treated like this when i only wanted a simple friendship? i wasnt askin for sex. i wasnt askin for chill time. i wasnt even askin for daily conversations or ones that lasted for hours. i just wanted shit dropped and leveled, and i couldnt even receive that when i think THAT, i atleast deserve. after all that we have been through, why not? if i mean so much...why choose to drop ME?

But its all good cuz i was madd for like an hour after that and soon cooled down. now im just droppin the whole deal completely. she cut shit off with me & it WILL stay that way.today in school she kept lookin at me in the hall & walked around with my otha ex basically the whole day and i just went on, mindin my business like "yeah whatevah. dont try to say shit now when u wanna cut me off for your girl when she around". cuz if her girl was in school she wouldnt say a fuckin word. and then i was rushin to my locker so i could hurry to the bus cuz its the first one to leave & she said somethin and i was tellin her u kno "i gotta go cuz my bus leaves first" and she says "NIGGA DONT BE WAVIN YOUR MUTHA FUCKIN HAND AT ME TRYNA BRUSH ME OFF". tryna be cute cuz its a whole lot of people around, so i turned back around and was like "who are you talkin to??" and she goes "you the ones tryna brush me off". so i jus said " no actually i wasnt & i kno all that cussin REALLY isnt necessary and completely uncalled for" and continued walkin. When i get back down the hall to go down the steps she keeps callin my name and is like "im sorry for cussin at you like that" & tried to give me a hug so i hugged her back and said "bye". as im walkin she STILL callin my name and that time i DIDNT turn back cuz i dont have time for that smartshit. she could do it to me when wewere together cuz i allowed it and let her treat me that way..but guess what.

GAME IS FUCKIN OVER. im through wit tha BULLSHIT. feel me? lol..HOLLA.

Posted at 06:58 pm by xpliCit-lineZ
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Monday, September 13, 2004
stresS is hittin

For the past few weeks i've been having headaches like almost daily and it's pretty painful. I dunno whether it's just from me being hot in my house and waking up a certain way, or because i just have too much things on my mind. yeah...probably the second one. this could be a number of things.

First thing, would be school and the people IN school that i have to see ery fuckin day. my classes really arent difficult and stressin at the moment..but its only the start so i'm sure it will be. especially in my trig and french class. we're movin pretty fast and shit is goin by quickly. i just hope i understand enough to move that fast without being confused or getting frustrated. about the people in school, i know i shouldnt let others bother me and distract me from what im suppose to be concentrating on in the first place..but sometimes its hard when you see them walk in the halls and you have 'em in your class. alright, well maybe i should specify who "them" really are-my two exs. the first girl i was with, the one i usually chill with, tell things two, a "best friend" type of relationship with she be actin real fuckin shady. i dont know what the deal is with her. it's like some days she wants to say things to me and some days she doesnt. or i'll ask her whats wrong and she'll tell me "nothing" but shorten her words to me. she use to have a habit or "cuttin" people off when she felt like it and then start talkin back like she was koo, but i said it jus like this before school even started back so erything would be clear; im not goin through any bullshit. if you have a problem WITH me, then you needa confront me with it instead of walking around not sayin anything and mean mugg'n while im tryna figure out what i did or said to begin with. so if you wanna cutt me off and act funny, make sure its for good cuz the on and off light switch shit ain workin. and today she'll say a few words and when class was over she jus rushes down the hall and didnt even say goodbye. im like "damn, bye to you too tiffany" and she goes "oh, bye." but that just gravey. im not even gon tripp about it anymore. i told her that if shit was gonna be this way, then i was gonna have a 'i dont giva fuck' attitude about the shit and then she's gonna be wonderin why. even though she's my ex, she's still the only person that i have known for awhile and have been chillin with and close with during and AFTER our relationship...and she claims she still puts me first before everybodie....jea....right. where is all of this shown even by the simple things? its not. but im not gonna expect shit from anyone anymore unless i know fasho i will receive it back. besides that...fuck it, do you and i will sure as hell do me. have a nice day.

Second person really ain gettin to me fahreal cuz i got over her a while back and it was tough but yay for me, i did it. and thats the girl i had my last relationship with and ended after a year and a half. she hasnt been comin to school as often, so my day passes by quicker and a bit easier with less tension. i mean, she atleast speaks and walks me to some of my classes or whatevah, but then again thats nothin when she puts her girlfriend before others. she doesnt call, and when she DOES its not for long because she gets off the phone when she's goin back to her girl's place. you kno when she's there because she either has her phone off or doesnt answer her calls. and then her girl musta call my cell one night...wow...that was a tripp. i wish my girl WOULD take my phone and call my ex questionin her bout sum bullshit that ain happenin and WILL NEVAH happen, need i make that clear.

from readin all of this and some of my earlier entires, if its not noticeable, i dont really put myself first in alot of other situations. so im tryna work on that and keep my stress low, ya kno? i wish i could have someone here to hold..and to hold me. im lonely, i have to admit. but im tryna pull through and fooccuuusss on the good things man. so ima close this. much love...

Posted at 09:26 pm by xpliCit-lineZ
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Saturday, September 11, 2004
dreamS part1

I've been havin some fucked up dreams lately. The two i had last night are really getting to me. It's a good thing that i remember most of them and write them down as soon as i wake up. Afterwards, whenever i get online i go to this website called dreammoods.com. its really good if youre into the meaning of your dreams and shit like that. Which of course i am, because its interesting to know and trying to figure out what goes together and how the images and actions in your dream come from the life you live...it's just mind blowing how true and real it is. Scary even.

The first dream I had last night was about me having a baby. I was around the same age i am now and i remember being in the room with my child just staring at her in the carseat playing with her toys. Then, outside there were these loud gunshots and people screaming and yelling. Being that my window was opened, i went over to close it and laid my baby on the bed. I then just remembered that my mother asked me to come by her job and pick something up to bring back home. Without even realizing, which i dont know how, it's like i all of a sudden forgot that i had a child and i left her there on the bed. I started my way down the street on a bike because i didnt want to walk. when i finally get to my moms job i remember that my baby was on my bed, surrounded by covers. all of these images go through my mind. pictures of her on my bed suffocating under the covers and hearing her scream. this horrible cry. i started crying and i dropped the bike and was trying to get back home by running as fast as i could but it was like i couldnt make it there fast enough. The first thing that came to my mind is that my baby is dead...she has to be dead. I woke up with tears coming down my eyes.

Bad bad dream i know...i would never do anything like that in real life. i would be too protective of my child to do such a thing. Soooo i went to the site and looked up the keywords Baby and suffocating. This is what i came up with: The baby dying represents my own vulnerabilities being hidden because i dont want to show any of my weaknesses. So being that the baby was apart of me it's as if it's me that was also suffocating. Basically experiencing stress and tension and feeling smothered by someone or by a relationship.

Putting all of that together its true that i AM under alot of stress with relationships...and that im not too comfortablt showing my own weaknesses. Weaknesses that i cant exactly point out because i've been avoiding them. I would have to think long and hard about what is that i'm hiding. you all should try looking your dreams up one day.

Posted at 07:56 pm by xpliCit-lineZ
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Tuesday, September 07, 2004
a lil somethin

School really wears me out big time. Plus im takin harder classes this year so i'm getting even more frustrated. jus think...if i was going for a standard diploma, i wouldnt be in school all day and could graduate early. but thats really not what i want. i wanna beable to have an advanced diploma and take more classes. it's just something im interested in, even though nothing that i'm taking will probably have anything to with my career...but who knows.

i cant believe that nothin is poppin in school yet because usually a bunch of bitches wanna start shit, but i bet its finnah come soon. some people just dont know how to shut the hell up. thats when they need their ass whooped fahreal. but anywho, my ex girlfriends somwhat "girlfriend" musta called my phone last night really trippin. she was just goin on and on about how my ex lies and she wants to know if we're tryna get back together or mess on the side. im sittin on the phone like....is this girl serious? i mean c'mon. what me and my ex had was somethin special to me at the time when shit was good, but its not like that anymore. i was so stressed with her because so much crap was goin on...how could i ever put myself back into a position like that? i would be miserable. especially since she's with this girl who basically got her ass on lock. sounds like a big problem....and they say IM controling. no, i just like shit to be right.

*yawnz* i think sometime soon ima write a poem about my ex and how she makes me feel now a days. she talks with this kinda tone in a voice. the type of talk when you kno the other person is up to somethin and smiling on the other line. u kno...that typa shit. i've known her for a long while and was with her for a year and a half, am i suppose to be the fool? theres some kinda hidden message behind what she says. it's like she has the urge to know if i still love & miss her. i mean understand, YES it does feel good to know that youre still loved but damn, the way she does it is just really sneaky and it makes me feel weird and uncomfortable. im a blunt type of girl sometimes and i say shit how it really is but i get told that im the mean one. RIGHT. just handle the truth and suck it up, you'll be jusstttt fine!

i'm gonna expand my writing and creativity. i plan on writing a book one day. a book somewhat about my life, but also adding the lives of people i know. a little mix. and then ima make sure i publish my poetry since people say im SO talented with my writing. i have alot of plans in life and alot of things i wanna accomplish. i just hope i live long enough to see those days.

in case youre wondering how my relationship is going with me & michelle, everything pretty much good and leveled at the moment. sometimes its like really confusing and we were arguing a couple times in the past few days over the people i talk to. it kinda upsets me because im the one who says what i feel all the time and i expect her to do the same thing with me. expose herself. let her thoughts be known. open up. its the things like that that make a relationship better and its what we really need right now. she's worth waiting for....so baybee, take your time but use it wisely. i need you to talk to me! muahz

yeah, my baybee is sick with a terrible cold. she's needs to be here so i can take care of her. make her cups of tea. fix her dinner. give her her medicine. be the one to wait up in the middle of the night when she coughs and hold her even tighter. mann....i wish i could do that. ima do it one day though. one day everything i eva thought of is gonna happen. ita be the best night of my life.

Posted at 05:52 pm by xpliCit-lineZ
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Monday, August 30, 2004
Back to school & liars

Today was the fourth day of school(ima juniOr) and i know i really havent been keepin up with this thing people, but i'm no longer home 24-7 like i use to be during the summer. School is back and right now everything is koo. Classes are a lil more challenging so it gives me something to work harder in than just knowing almost everything. Plus i'm taking French which is interesting. Not as easy as spanish of course but i'm willing to learn. The main reason why i took it is because my dad said he did when he was in highschool and that he really liked it and so far, i do too. Just for tha info, my father is locked up and what not and has been for like the past 12 years or so. I dont exactly know when, but its close. Right now i think its the ages where i need a father here with me most. Someone else to look up to and have by myside. My grandmother basically took his role and has done a damn good job in doing so and i love her so much. My mother & I dont have the best relationship. Not much communication..but thats another story. I want my father here....so hopefully he'll make parole next year.

Moving on....i'm sick and tired of being lied to. I'm sick and tired of giving people everything who dont deserve it. I'm just SICK of shit period. I'm not gonna sit around and be nobodies fool, especially someone who wants to lie about the lil shit and drop the major shit on me when they feel like it. MAN I SWEAR my intuition is a powerful thing. I know i wasn't the one in the wrong when it came to the "someone" that lied to me, but in the wrong to my girl. So in a way i feel like this was brought back on me for only thinkin about myself when it came to Michele. Baybee i'm sorry and i don't think you'll eva understand how sorry i am for betrayin you for someone like that. You're much more of a better person and have never opened your mouth to tell a lie, only truth. Truth is what we give eachother because it's what we deserve...and it's clear that we deserve eachother. You're gonna always be mine love! kisses kisses. SMILE baybee...because I love you. ha...i know you're smilin right now lol.

I know i've kinda moved from subject to subject but i feel alot bettah since i've gotten that out. now i think its time for a shower or somethin becuz ima TRY to get cute tomorrow and wear my skirt and what not lol. maybe i'll come home, take pictures and post them? i just might....but ima close this and get back latah. much love people & remember, trust your intuition!!!! UN AMOR <33

Posted at 10:09 pm by xpliCit-lineZ
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Tuesday, August 17, 2004
A Letter To Love

Dear Love,
         You've been my main purpose for everything that I do. No matter how bad you hurt me or what you cause me to do or say, I continue to run back to you. It's you that has control of me even though i may fail to realize it. You enter inside of my mind and eat away at my heart. You make me love ones I shouldn't and because of you, pain is caused by others. You are not quite defined but the passion you fill inside of every ones heart is stronger than anything I know. Manipulating souls day by day, you are the reason things don't matter as much as they should. When someone does wrong, we ignore and look at you for the answer. Love...love is the reason I allow myself to be treated a way that i know is painful and disrespectful. Love is the reason why i hold on to all the memories I wish would just fade away. Love is also why I live. I need you more than anything and anyone. Without you I wouldn't feel for others. My emotions would be locked down in darkness full of numbness. no chance to share somethin sensual, something that means more than enough, destroyed. Everyone says you're pain. How does that make you feel? Just knowing that you are why some people cry every night. you're why tears turn my eyes bloodshot read, because you hurt. We all want you, but when you fail to complete us with the love we thought you'd bring, we still want you. You would think it was enough, but evidently you're needed everyday of every hour of every minute of every second. As bad as i would like to get rid of you, I can't bare the thought. i'm addicted to you. Please don't go away. I don't know why you choose to make me feel you, but my urge is increasing. All I ask from you is to make me happy. To lead me in the direction where I'm using you enough to satisfy the ones I love. You've taken advantage of me in a number of ways I cant explain. So I end this, never for forever because you're with me always.
                                                                                                           With all of you,
                                                                                                                    Denise

Posted at 09:39 pm by xpliCit-lineZ
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Monday, August 16, 2004
Sweet 16

So far my birthday has been straight. i've gotten more calls than i actually expected to receive so i was happy about that fahreal. although there was one phone call i....you kno what. nevamind it doesnt matter. ima just be satisfied and happy. not complain about it so everythings loovvveeellyy!

I was thinkin that i was gonna come home to just my mother and brother but i walked in and EVERYBODIE was in this bitch fahreal. i dont even like surprises but my mom set me up GOOD lol. her boyfriend gave me $100 which was very nice. and then i got alot of cards. so theres this box sittin on the table rapped up. all eyes on me and shit while im opening it...im tellin you...attention is not my thang sometimes. im shy, i get nervous. so i opened it and its a Compaq laptop. i would have never guessed anything like that. i was expecting a stereo or somethin for my room...but trust, im grateful for that.

So to everyone who called and showed up, gave me somethin, even a card...i appreciate it. THANK YOU SO SO MUCH. i REALLY appreciate everything. this turned out better than i expected.

un amor.

Posted at 08:32 pm by xpliCit-lineZ
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Saturday, August 07, 2004
in the midst of pain

My intuition is something strong. When i said i had a pretty good idea how all of this was gonna turn out, i was right. it's sorta like you expect the UNEXPECTED. but how do you prepare yourself for some shit like that. i wish i knew because then i wouldnt be so hurt. wouldnt feel so stupid, so....lost. but im tryna deal with this the best way possible. remain calm. try to understand. and keep steppin forward.

Youre probably wondering what i expect to happen in the first place. i had a strong feeling that the l.o.v.e between me and "Secret" wouldnt eventually come to a point where things couldnt be on that level anymore. after all this bullshit and confusion, hurt to my girl, and being told to make a choice...it's gone. it feels like i've done a 20 page report, handed it to the teacher, and she said i done it all wrong. to start over because not one word is right or where it should be. i don't wanna say it was all for nothing because i got alot out of it...

1. Never divert your attention from your girl to someone else
2. Don't get involved when someone is still in love with an ex, especially if youre not single yourself
3. U have to pay attention to the signs in the beginning and listen hard..there is so much u can miss
4. Trust your intuition
5. Accept the fact that u cant change a persons thoughts, feelings, OR make anyone happy who isnt happy with themselves
6. As good as it may feel at the moment, when its somethin in your mind tellin u the shit jus ain gon be right..its your time to go before u end up like me and have it came at you at the wrong time, unexpected, and hit hard

I could go on and on about the things i have learned period, but i dont feel like getting into all of that right now. All i know is that i need to keep my balance in life. Get back to where i was and make sure this doesnt happen again. It seems like no matter what i do, i end up in the midst of pain. the shit is among me some kinda way and when it's not...it somehow comes back. But ima be strong and move on with this, from this i should say, and forgive. I got a feeling ima be making a few phone calls to people to clear some things up and get at a level where shit is known and hold no grudges, carry no hate. even if a bitch does make me sick. life is too short and even though i have no need for some people, i feel like its a good idea to atleast say "hey....i want you to know that at a point in my life where i feel like theres no use carrying on the past and the bullshit. we dont have to talk on a daily basis, u dont even have to call. everything can be how it's been the past couple of months as long as YOU know that im over it. not thinking about. not stressin. whats done is done and if u decide to hate me for it, its on you. but i choose to forgive and get over the shit"

It's as simple as that. I'm not tryna start no friendship or special relations lol but im puttin shit on the table when school starts fasho. Cuz once i get in the building i ain thinkin about nobodie but me and what IM tryna do in life and ain nobody comin with me but the ones who deserve it.

Posted at 08:47 pm by xpliCit-lineZ
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